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Ralph Newman - Recipient and Cheryl Taylor - Donor's mother

This is the story of my meeting with my Donor family and my thoughts on the subject of donor families and recipients making direct contact.

IT SEEMED DESTINED TO HAPPEN

I had been in touch with Cheryl over the last 6 years on a very irregular basis, via the Red Cross Transplant coordinator, who passed on our letters. It was something in Cheryl's last letter that gave me the impression she wanted to make contact. I had gleaned a little information over time that would ultimately help in locating her.

We had started a discussion on our Internet support group on the subject of donor families and recipients meeting. A register had been established whose aim is to possibly match up donor families and recipients who have a mutual interest in meeting each other. So I decided to fill in one of the registration forms as a first step in locating Cheryl. Whilst on the net I decided to do a search and see what I could find. I mean, who knows I might get lucky! After a few different word combinations I happened on a page which set my heart jumping as soon as I read the dates on top of the page. THE DATES FITTED! I read on. The names fitted, I knew my donor was Craig, I knew his mother’s name was Cheryl. That fitted. I continued reading. The daughter’s name was right and a few other details seemed to fit but I was still cautious of jumping to conclusions. I mean it couldn't be this easy surely?

Then there was a part that referred to the attendance medal from the world transplant games. I had attended the games in 1997 and had sent my medal to Cheryl. So here she was mentioning that very fact. I was convinced that I had found the right lady. I did a quick search of the White pages on line directory and found the only person in the area I suspected she lived in. Armed with this information I was about to write to Graham, when I received an e-mail from him notifying me that he thought he had found my donors family on the list.

It was then that I checked out the location of Craig's web page and found that it was indeed on the Transplant site. I shared the information I had found and confirmed that this was the very same lady. I received a telephone call from Cheryl, after having given Graham permission to give her my details and leaving it up to Cheryl to make the first move. I had to be sure she wanted this contact so it really was her call. What a great first direct contact it was. We talked for about 1 ½ hours about any number of things. I came away feeling that this is one person I really wanted to meet. It just so happened the next weekend I had planned on being in Bendigo for my daughter’s birthday and Cheryl was to be there as part of a visiting trip they were doing in the area. We both had about 420 kms to travel so it seemed right that we should organise to meet. We made arrangements to meet outside the Shamrock Hotel, a very prominent land mark in Bendigo; how appropriate with the "luck of the Irish" being on our side, to meet there!

THE MEETING

We left Wagga Wagga at 5.50 am and arrived in Bendigo at 11.30 am. It couldn't have been a better day, bright and sunny, warm but not too hot. After a little delay due to traffic, Cheryl and husband Neil, arrived and we met in the park just opposite the Shamrock Hotel. It was a truly lovely spot, full of very large shady trees, benches to sit on, and room for our 4 footed family members to play. Cheryl, who owns a cattery, also looks after dogs and loves her animals the same as we do. What a great thing to have in common right from the start. Meeting Cheryl seemed strangely like meeting a long lost friend from years ago and we seemed to pick up as though we had known each other for years. There was no emotional pressure, no nerves (or so it seemed) and the 4 hours we spent together went by so quickly, none of us noticed that we didn't have lunch. We talked about her son Craig and found out about his life, what he had achieved and where he had been. We talked about donor families and recipients meeting, the pros and cons. We talked about other sad times in her life and about the good times. It was good for me to finally meet Cheryl and see the human side to what was previously just a distant contact. I knew there were real people involved but it seemed so theoretical with such a distant contact up to that point. I was pleased to have been able to "give" Cheryl the "gift" of seeing the great good that her courageous decision, 6 years ago, had achieved. If it ends up that I am the only representative of all the other recipients of her son’s organs, then I know at least she has actually seen for herself what has been achieved and can be achieved through the organ donor system. We reluctantly parted as we all had other places we needed to be and time was short for both of us. We both know that this is the first of many more meetings. As I stated to Ruth before our meeting, I have plenty of room for one more friend in my life, especially one who has done so much, even if it was indirectly, for me.

AM I IN FAVOUR?

Yes of course but with a few qualifications. There are a lot of mitigating factors that come into play and every case is different. I felt my time was right. Nearly 6 years after my transplant, I felt I could cope. Others however, if it was, say 6 months after transplant, it may be far too early. With the emotions of the tragedy involved still being very high, it would take special people to handle it at this point.

Some donor family members may never want to have contact and may feel, in doing so, would somehow resurrect the pain all over again. It requires great sensitivity and understanding on both parties and on the person who may be in the middle. Motives and feelings would be different, with the age of both donor and recipient, time since the transplant and type of organ received being determining factors.

I do however feel that as a recipient, that should a donor family member be keen in meeting me, it would be such a small "gift" I could give in return for what I have received, it would be the least I could do. At the very least I would encourage all recipients to write as soon as they are comfortable after their transplant, to their donor families; via their coordinators, so at the very least the donor families know all was not in vain. I think the system as it is at the moment needs overhauling. The recipients should receive a booklet or some such thing, outlining the process of writing to donor families. The benefits this has for the donor families and ultimately the whole system of organ donation. The system for writing and receiving letters via these organisations needs to be streamlined. People I know have to this day not been informed such a system exists! More staff are required I know, and if the government won't fund it and supply staff, maybe a volunteer helper system could be established. Perhaps a file number system would also help, where the recipient when writing, simply quotes a file number and the coordinator has a simple task of punching that into a computer and an addressed envelope is printed. Perhaps both parties need to be encouraged to include self addressed envelopes, so that an acknowledgment of receipt and forwarding of the letters can be sent back to them so they know it has been processed instead of being left wondering if their letters have indeed been delivered.

Personally, I know how much a "thank you" means when you give something. Imagine spending a week selecting an expensive Christmas present and sending it to a loved one and never hearing from them, let alone receiving a thank you. How much more with a precious gift such as all us recipients have received?

Speaking only to recipients, I would certainly encourage you all to give time and consideration to this subject. Reflect on how you would feel if the roles were reversed. Maybe there isn't a lot we as individuals can do to change the big picture on organ donation but there is something positive we can all do to help. I feel if we all did this much and there was a positive feeling and outcome in the collective donor families, then the donor rate may well benefit, as a more positive picture is portrayed in both the media and word of mouth.